Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“

me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

food blogger:

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

TODAY

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

Twitter is the new flypaper.

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.