Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
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I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
What’s so funny?
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
waiting for halloween be like:
catch me on valentine’s day like
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible