I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
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Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]