Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

I gave up going to work for lent.

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’

The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

When you “pspspsp” too hard

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.