Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
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I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
My purse is deeper than some people.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror