Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
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I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
He has no idea 🤡
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister