Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
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The smoothest fall of all time
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
omg leave her alone
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.