Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
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I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
forgive me baja for i have blast
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.