Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.