Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
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*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*