Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

how much does a mortician urn in a year

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

<Enter Password>

Morningbreath

<Password too strong>

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

interviewer: ur biggest weakness?

me: i hate working