Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

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Never trust anyone who says you need to come out of your shell because let’s start with the fact that they think you’re a turtle


Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose


I live in my parent’s basement so I had to dig a deeper basement for my kids to live in. In 20 generations we will reach the Earth’s core.


I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.


If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny.

If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.


I have no idea why my downstairs neighbor always bangs his ceiling with a broom whenever I have people over. Does he need help sweeping? I can’t right now dude, I’m having a party.


So, this woman stopped to ask me if my hair color was “supposed to look natural.”

My hair is purple, guys. Purple.


Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.


If it weren’t for dating sites, I’d still have some self-esteem. Thank God, it’s all gone now.


Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks