@velvettusk

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

- @velvettusk

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@AristotlesNZ

I don’t know how you women do it. Every time I try to “sleep my way to the top” I get woken up and sent to HR.

@TheSharona06

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

@mrtruthandsoul

Birds do it.
Bees do it.
Even educated fleas do it.
Let’s do it.
Let’s crash headfirst into this guy going 80 mph’s windshield.

@UnFitz

“Sorry” seems to be the hardest word?

There’s “Worcestershire,” “anemone” & “otorhinolaryngologist.”

But whatever.

@AnitaAlibi

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

@tragecies

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

@danjan13

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

@lovemydogduck

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

@Phook75

I’m 89% certain I’m technically still dating at least 3 women from the late 90’s early 2000’s cause I left for beer and never came back

@BadaBinge

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.