@velvettusk

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

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@andylassner

Never trust anyone who says you need to come out of your shell because let’s start with the fact that they think you’re a turtle

@ItsAndyRyan

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

@Gooooats

I live in my parent’s basement so I had to dig a deeper basement for my kids to live in. In 20 generations we will reach the Earth’s core.

@GrabTheWEness

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

@iGreenMonk

If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny.

If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

@TheHyyyype

I have no idea why my downstairs neighbor always bangs his ceiling with a broom whenever I have people over. Does he need help sweeping? I can’t right now dude, I’m having a party.

@Karissajem

So, this woman stopped to ask me if my hair color was “supposed to look natural.”

My hair is purple, guys. Purple.

@SCbchbum

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

@Kneevyl

If it weren’t for dating sites, I’d still have some self-esteem. Thank God, it’s all gone now.

@dumbbeezie

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks