Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
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We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.