Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.