Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
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This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator