Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
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we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.