Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
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My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
me, too, girl. me, too.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Shower sex be like:
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.