Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
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I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
We have a winner.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot