Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

“It got weird, didn’t it? ”

*Leaves on a pogo stick.*

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”