Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

me as a parent

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMAO

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.