Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
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at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
No, I don’t think I will.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*