Tell the colonel to bring it
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Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
*me flirting
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.