Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
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[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
ibopfufen
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*