Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
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coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.