Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
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I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
don’t we all
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.