Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
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St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Siri: Retweet me.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.