Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
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Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
biblically accurate fire hydrant
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.