Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
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When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
inside you are two wolves
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
(Jupiter –
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table