Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

Me: *opening trunk*

Tied up Guy: ope

Me: omg this isn’t my car

Tied up Guy:

Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing

Tied up Guy: happens to everyone

Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry

*looks at phone to check the time

*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?