who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
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An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.