Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
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Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON