Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
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The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
mechanics be like
