Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
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HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
This is not me but this is me
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work