“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
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Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
termite twitter scares me
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I don’t like papier-mâché because it exposes children to both glue and French.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*