“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
You Might Also Like
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
This dude got his own movie?
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.