“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
You Might Also Like
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.