“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
You Might Also Like
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”