“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
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“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.