Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
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the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
my retirement plan is braless
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Look, a pure bread cat!
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
