Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
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I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
found my next D&D character name
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Canadian owl: Eh?
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.