Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
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What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?