“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
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Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.