“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
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My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up