[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
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Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.