Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

I have many caverns

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.