Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I snag the last meatball.

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?

Me: For like important stuff I guess.

CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!

Me: I said impor-

CNN: Using chopsticks!

Me: She did WHAT?

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

when you don’t want to be too vague

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.