Who wants to be my Valentine?
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If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.