Who wants to be my Valentine?
You Might Also Like
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Need this in my life lol
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.