Who wants to be my Valentine?
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The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
😭😭😭
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.