Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

Camel dough

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

I think they could have phrased this better

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale