Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲