who wants to go expliring
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ForrestGump
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ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
There is no “ea” in Tim.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Breaking news:
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.