who wants to go expliring
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it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Actually cracking up @ this
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
You’re not my real can
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site