Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
You Might Also Like
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I never needed anything more in my life
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!