Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
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I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.