Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
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Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Waiting for the Charmin
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback