Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
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When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
That lamp looks PISSED.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠