Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
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Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Never forget.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
