Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
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The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Doggies just call it style.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.