Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

*kicking in your front door*

I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

Me: time to be better with my finances

Them: you could stop buying things

Me: not like that

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

where’s Godzilla when we need him

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

Me: i need a copy of this key.

hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.

me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections