Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
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Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Me: time to be better with my finances
Them: you could stop buying things
Me: not like that
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections