Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
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I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
This did not end as expected.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…