Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
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Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
We need more people like this.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample