Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
You Might Also Like
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too