Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
You Might Also Like
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
💀
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.