Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
You Might Also Like
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.