Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
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brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!