Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
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Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
dogs can find happiness so easily
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”