Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
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I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
placebo pills? more like sike meds
I beg you to euthanise me
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Be the reason someone burns sage.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them