Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

Merry Christmas

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.