Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
You Might Also Like
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.