I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
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Hero horse inspires millions
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
lmao
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time