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“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.