who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
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H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
you’re not fooling anyone
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
