who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
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Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is