Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

#milo

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.