Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
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While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
podcasts
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.