who will stop them
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This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk