Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I don’t believe him.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
not to brag, but mine was free
