Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
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I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Drive like no one is watching.
These 3D printers are insane!
honey, bring out the fine china.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me